rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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