we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
