i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
