I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
