watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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