I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
