I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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