The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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