remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
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he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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