I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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