I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
