I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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