I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
