I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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