Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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