and she was petting her beer can
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
