mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
