The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
