I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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