im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
