i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
