my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
