i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
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He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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