I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.