I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
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i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
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Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients