When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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