i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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