For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Come share oat with me in your robe
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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