Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
its not stalking. its research.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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