But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
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I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
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