I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
