his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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