My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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