Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
