Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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