They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
