I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
