Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
