This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My dick has a subreddit
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
