Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
