to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
