Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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