My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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