Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
