so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
