In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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