i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
