if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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