Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
