I murdered the dance floor call the cops
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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