Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Randomize
