This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
