Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
