I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
