he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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