Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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