that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
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The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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