Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
