Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
