When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
