Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
