I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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