I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
