i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And then my night got REAL pukey
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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