I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
