I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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